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Michael Phelps is Not Funny

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Yes, friends, fall is upon us. Because there is very little in the way of autumnal coloring in California, one of my favorite parts of fall is new tv! So exciting! And we’re back, with the SNL recapping and our friend Michael Phelps. Before I turn on the Tivo…I have to say, I have been trying really hard to avoid coverage of the Tina-Fey-as-Palin, Amy P.-as-Hillary sketch, because I want to be surprised. We’ll see. Oh, and I have huge, huge doubts as to the hilarity of Michael Phelps, despite his abs that I want to eat brunch off of.

(Note: turns out Tivo didn’t record it—wtf—and I am having to use our DirecTV dvr to watch this. This dvr is le suck.)

We begin with “A Nonpartisan Message from Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Hillary Clinton.” Yay! Tina Fey+Amy Poehler=awesome. I’ve paused it, and “Hillary” looks bored. Can’t wait to hear Tina Fey do that godawful accent, with its flattened and horrific vowels. Also, sexism? Is not the reason we hate you, Sarah Palin. We hate you because you are a Big Fat Idiot. What’s a flirge? Ooh, I would love to see Sarah Palin side-hug Hillary, and watch Hillary punch her in the throat. No, no one else? Ok, it lived up to the play it got on the internets…I am satisfied.

Same cast as last season? Huh. Ok. A couple new featured players, maybe? Nah, just this Bobby guy. And Casey Wilson, whose face I always recognize but whose name always escapes me. Thanks, Don Pardo.

Michael Phelps, monologue. Can I just say, he reminds me a lot of my younger brother? About the same age, kinda tall and goofy… But I am still willing to bet the bro-ham is funnier. Yes, Michael Phelps, the gauntlet has been thrown. At least you dressed up for this. Hee hee, Amy P. is playing his mom, who I think is totally adorable. She’s a middle school principal, too, which means that she is a big damn deal. “Swim Cop.” Not funny. Will Forte in a Members Only jacket offers to have MP endorse My First Meth Lab, “a product [Michael Phelps] should not endorse.” Duh. OMG SHATNER!!! Teaches MP a lesson about integrity…and Priceline, an online travel site that I have never found that useful (Travelocity/Expedia/Kayak 4-eva!). Ahhhh, the real Debbie Phelps! So cute. Wow, I am totally glad that others saved the monologue, because he could NOT carry that thing.

I officially want to see Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. Am I hip enough to do that?

Michael Phelps wears a swim cap to beckon us into “Quiz Bowl,” where there are people barking like dogs within fifteen seconds. Terrifying. Also scary? The wigs. The joke here is that home-schooled fundamentalists don’t know about sex, physics, biology, or dinosaurs. Regular public-schooled kids aren’t that hot either. Ohh, America. Kristen Wiig steals the show, awesomely. However, this sketch is the lame.

Commercial about how hard jars are to open! Sucks. I mean, come on.

Yay! Will Forte takes another star turn as a high school swim coach. (Remember the Peyton Manning episode?) “Fudged my Speedo”? Poor showing, Michael Phelps. I hope there will be singing at some point…and a cassette tape makes an appearance. Yessss! Forte fixes his mustache and the song plays, a little muzak, and everyone manages to mostly keep their shit together as Will Forte performs Balki’s Dance of Joy. Phelps joins him, but is still wearing his warmups/tracksuit. I’ll give it a B-

I hope Ghost Town isn’t going to be as bad as it looks, because I really only want the best for Ricky Gervais.

Now that’s more like it! Hot Olympian with Laurels Michael Phelps brings us back to the show. What am I, made of stone? Something is wrong with the boss’s kids. Phelps as cousin Jeremy is in headgear, and together he and Kristen Wiig twitch their way through the French for numbers one through ten. It is strange, y’all. There is the display of a yodeling doll, and Phelps does some five-pound bicep curls, which are the highlight of this crapass sketch. I don’t want to be so negative about the season premiere of one of my favorite shows…but come on! I want some more Tina Fey or something.

Leonardo diCaprio with a neck beard? Not ok. But maybe Body of Lies won’t totally suck. Nah, it probably will. Miracle at St. Anna, though? I will probably need to see that. Woo, Spike Lee!

Li’l Wayne. Wearing those sunglasses that old people wear, all angle-y and wraparound. I am not cool enough to like this, not at 10:30am on a Friday morning.

I want to punch the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua in it’s bulging-eyed head. Sorry for the violent threats, but tell me you disagree.

Weekend Update! The highlights: Sarah Palin sucks, OJ is finally going to go to prison forever and ever (finally), Russell Crowe and Snoop Dogg are friends, who knew? Larry Craig doesn’t understand what entering a “guilty” plea means, despite being a freaking lawyer. Online mating databases for zoo animals (hilarious shot of a tiger sitting at a laptop), Nicholas Fehn comes and craps all over comedy. Cabbage Patch kids are 25 years old now (really? I am old), a bird called New Jersey 911, Seth Myers adorably celebrates a sort of lame joke. Andy Samberg is Cathy, of comic strip fame, and I think Rachel Dratch could do it better—what’s she up to these days?

Anyone seen Burn After Reading? I love me some Coen Brothers.

Charles Barkley’s talk show…with our friend Darrly Hammond as Bela Karolyi, who is probably completely insane. Michael Phelps gets to play himself, which is a relief. My little sweet potato is a hell of a swimmer, but not much of an actor.

Family dinner, with that obnoxious T-Mobile commercial where the daughter has hot friends. Dad, that is gross. I am happy to see the “aftermath” of this commercial.

Digital short! Andy Samberg in a white wig, somewhere in space/the future. This song could be by Styx, and is about the Space Olympics in 3022. It is not as awesome as you think it might be.

Aww, Amy Poehler is pregnant. This is the first time we’ve seen any hint of the belly this evening. She and Michael Phelps are on a date at a place like Friday’s or something, and our new featured player is acting much like I imagine regular Friday’s servers do. He fidgets with his do-rag, and I worry about the flammability of his Dragonball-Z shirt.

Um, friends? I heard there was to be some Barack Obama in this episode. There are only 15 minutes left. Where is he???

Li’l Wayne has at least two pairs of sunglasses. This means that he is a true baller, no? Well, Li’l Wayne, I have no fewer than four pairs of sunglasses on my console table right now. It would seem that we have more in common than I thought.

Woo, the Michael Phelps diet! I wish I had crazy Michael Phelps-ian muscles, but I worry about what they would look like in my wedding dress. And Jared Fogel even makes an appearance! It is a rough life for Jared these days, I’m sure.

Okay, the episode is over. And I saw no such Obama. Shame on you, SNL. Did I just miss it, internets? Help a girl out here!


About Megan

I read, I write, I drink wine while watching way too much tv. Let's be friends.

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