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Monthly Archives: September 2008

Michael Phelps is Not Funny

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Yes, friends, fall is upon us. Because there is very little in the way of autumnal coloring in California, one of my favorite parts of fall is new tv! So exciting! And we’re back, with the SNL recapping and our friend Michael Phelps. Before I turn on the Tivo…I have to say, I have been trying really hard to avoid coverage of the Tina-Fey-as-Palin, Amy P.-as-Hillary sketch, because I want to be surprised. We’ll see. Oh, and I have huge, huge doubts as to the hilarity of Michael Phelps, despite his abs that I want to eat brunch off of.

(Note: turns out Tivo didn’t record it—wtf—and I am having to use our DirecTV dvr to watch this. This dvr is le suck.)

We begin with “A Nonpartisan Message from Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Hillary Clinton.” Yay! Tina Fey+Amy Poehler=awesome. I’ve paused it, and “Hillary” looks bored. Can’t wait to hear Tina Fey do that godawful accent, with its flattened and horrific vowels. Also, sexism? Is not the reason we hate you, Sarah Palin. We hate you because you are a Big Fat Idiot. What’s a flirge? Ooh, I would love to see Sarah Palin side-hug Hillary, and watch Hillary punch her in the throat. No, no one else? Ok, it lived up to the play it got on the internets…I am satisfied.

Same cast as last season? Huh. Ok. A couple new featured players, maybe? Nah, just this Bobby guy. And Casey Wilson, whose face I always recognize but whose name always escapes me. Thanks, Don Pardo.

Michael Phelps, monologue. Can I just say, he reminds me a lot of my younger brother? About the same age, kinda tall and goofy… But I am still willing to bet the bro-ham is funnier. Yes, Michael Phelps, the gauntlet has been thrown. At least you dressed up for this. Hee hee, Amy P. is playing his mom, who I think is totally adorable. She’s a middle school principal, too, which means that she is a big damn deal. “Swim Cop.” Not funny. Will Forte in a Members Only jacket offers to have MP endorse My First Meth Lab, “a product [Michael Phelps] should not endorse.” Duh. OMG SHATNER!!! Teaches MP a lesson about integrity…and Priceline, an online travel site that I have never found that useful (Travelocity/Expedia/Kayak 4-eva!). Ahhhh, the real Debbie Phelps! So cute. Wow, I am totally glad that others saved the monologue, because he could NOT carry that thing.

I officially want to see Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. Am I hip enough to do that?

Michael Phelps wears a swim cap to beckon us into “Quiz Bowl,” where there are people barking like dogs within fifteen seconds. Terrifying. Also scary? The wigs. The joke here is that home-schooled fundamentalists don’t know about sex, physics, biology, or dinosaurs. Regular public-schooled kids aren’t that hot either. Ohh, America. Kristen Wiig steals the show, awesomely. However, this sketch is the lame.

Commercial about how hard jars are to open! Sucks. I mean, come on.

Yay! Will Forte takes another star turn as a high school swim coach. (Remember the Peyton Manning episode?) “Fudged my Speedo”? Poor showing, Michael Phelps. I hope there will be singing at some point…and a cassette tape makes an appearance. Yessss! Forte fixes his mustache and the song plays, a little muzak, and everyone manages to mostly keep their shit together as Will Forte performs Balki’s Dance of Joy. Phelps joins him, but is still wearing his warmups/tracksuit. I’ll give it a B-

I hope Ghost Town isn’t going to be as bad as it looks, because I really only want the best for Ricky Gervais.

Now that’s more like it! Hot Olympian with Laurels Michael Phelps brings us back to the show. What am I, made of stone? Something is wrong with the boss’s kids. Phelps as cousin Jeremy is in headgear, and together he and Kristen Wiig twitch their way through the French for numbers one through ten. It is strange, y’all. There is the display of a yodeling doll, and Phelps does some five-pound bicep curls, which are the highlight of this crapass sketch. I don’t want to be so negative about the season premiere of one of my favorite shows…but come on! I want some more Tina Fey or something.

Leonardo diCaprio with a neck beard? Not ok. But maybe Body of Lies won’t totally suck. Nah, it probably will. Miracle at St. Anna, though? I will probably need to see that. Woo, Spike Lee!

Li’l Wayne. Wearing those sunglasses that old people wear, all angle-y and wraparound. I am not cool enough to like this, not at 10:30am on a Friday morning.

I want to punch the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua in it’s bulging-eyed head. Sorry for the violent threats, but tell me you disagree.

Weekend Update! The highlights: Sarah Palin sucks, OJ is finally going to go to prison forever and ever (finally), Russell Crowe and Snoop Dogg are friends, who knew? Larry Craig doesn’t understand what entering a “guilty” plea means, despite being a freaking lawyer. Online mating databases for zoo animals (hilarious shot of a tiger sitting at a laptop), Nicholas Fehn comes and craps all over comedy. Cabbage Patch kids are 25 years old now (really? I am old), a bird called New Jersey 911, Seth Myers adorably celebrates a sort of lame joke. Andy Samberg is Cathy, of comic strip fame, and I think Rachel Dratch could do it better—what’s she up to these days?

Anyone seen Burn After Reading? I love me some Coen Brothers.

Charles Barkley’s talk show…with our friend Darrly Hammond as Bela Karolyi, who is probably completely insane. Michael Phelps gets to play himself, which is a relief. My little sweet potato is a hell of a swimmer, but not much of an actor.

Family dinner, with that obnoxious T-Mobile commercial where the daughter has hot friends. Dad, that is gross. I am happy to see the “aftermath” of this commercial.

Digital short! Andy Samberg in a white wig, somewhere in space/the future. This song could be by Styx, and is about the Space Olympics in 3022. It is not as awesome as you think it might be.

Aww, Amy Poehler is pregnant. This is the first time we’ve seen any hint of the belly this evening. She and Michael Phelps are on a date at a place like Friday’s or something, and our new featured player is acting much like I imagine regular Friday’s servers do. He fidgets with his do-rag, and I worry about the flammability of his Dragonball-Z shirt.

Um, friends? I heard there was to be some Barack Obama in this episode. There are only 15 minutes left. Where is he???

Li’l Wayne has at least two pairs of sunglasses. This means that he is a true baller, no? Well, Li’l Wayne, I have no fewer than four pairs of sunglasses on my console table right now. It would seem that we have more in common than I thought.

Woo, the Michael Phelps diet! I wish I had crazy Michael Phelps-ian muscles, but I worry about what they would look like in my wedding dress. And Jared Fogel even makes an appearance! It is a rough life for Jared these days, I’m sure.

Okay, the episode is over. And I saw no such Obama. Shame on you, SNL. Did I just miss it, internets? Help a girl out here!


Dear Sarah Palin, Part 2

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Dear Sarah Palin,

It’s me, again. I can’t look away from all the coverage from you, I just can’t. It’s like a car accident, and I can’t believe America would be so stupid as to want you for vice-president. Please America, you’ve fucked up before, but please don’t disappoint me by being so short-sighted and voting on personality rather than issues as to get this woman who makes me ashamed to be female into any part of the White House. As I watch the ABC News interview with you, I have the following thoughts:

1) Hey, you can see Russia “from land!” in Alaska, and that gives you foreign policy experience?! Well, guess what, I can see the moon from my balcony. I guess that makes me an astronaut.

2) Do not fucking compare yourself to Abraham Lincoln. I know Abraham Lincoln, ma’am, and you are no Abraham Lincoln.

3) I think it is a noble thing, that your son is going off to fight a war (that I, personally, believe is completely misguided) in Iraq. Really, I admire him for that. You know why that is? Because I, too, am an American. I am proud of my country, and appreciate that there are those who are willing to do what I never could to protect us. Even if I never could. So don’t you, for a goddamn second, pretend that I don’t love my country. Because I do, and I will cut you.


Quick note on the RNC

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Dear Sarah Palin,

I know that if I started writing all the things about you that make me want to scream continuously until election day, when Barack Obama will become our president, it would take too long. But as I sit here, I have to say just this: do you really have nothing else to talk about besides your fucking family? I thought they were off-limits. No, only when it’s not convenient for you? Fair enough. I realize there are so many other reasons to dislike you, I’ll let it go that you are using the language of choice to describe what your daughter is going through– how convenient that she has the luxury of choosing, no?

How about, oh, I don’t know…anything that might convince me that you are in any way qualified to be a heartbeat away from leading my country? Pure insults directed toward your opponent don’t count. Go!


P.S. Stop lying about the Bridge to Nowhere! We have the internets now, you know.

On being a bad blogger, or why I haven’t posted in about a month

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Sorry, friends, I don’t really have an excuse or apology for you…I was busy, and when I was not busy, I was…not in the mood? Oh well. The point is, I’m back(ish)! How about a little recap? In the past month, I have:

attended a wedding in New York

attended a wedding much closer to home (only 20 minutes away, a new record!)

concocted a watermelon, feta, and mint salad (and not posted an official Whip It Up! entry, sorry)

gone on a small field trip with GP and his parents to the CIA in Hyde Park, for a delicious Italian dinner

…and another field trip to the place on the Hudson where our Big Fat Engagement Party is going to be, next Memorial Day (GP’s mom is a planning powerhouse, people, and I totally fail so far at wedding-planning)

had Engagement Party #1, a much smaller affair hosted by my mom and stepdad. The first attempt at getting various friend-groups together, as well as the first “All About Us” activity, and it went pretty well. Cupcakes were involved, so what else would we expect? (Note to self: write those thank-yous NOW!!!)

worked diligently and for very little money at my internship and at the tutoring place

started library school, in which I am taking three classes. I am told that this is an “intense” course load…and so far am not convinced. UCLA’s quarter system prepared me pretty well for intense educational experiences, so there.

watched my Bruins beat #18 Tennessee at football. I began watching the game fully expecting us to lose, and was pushed further into the doom-and-gloom category by the (under)performance of our new quarterback (who I still might like to punch, despite the victory)…and then lost my mind when we finally beat them. Yay, college sports!

vowed repeatedly that I would be more diligent in blogging and commenting. With as much attention as all this blog/wiki/Web 2.0 (bleah) stuff is getting in all of my classes, I feel like I should do it, if only to stay on the forefront of the field…you know, because my personal blog has so much to do with library business.