So, this week is Cupcake Week on the Martha Stewart Show, which I get to watch on repeat, thanks to Tivo and the Fine Living Network (which is totally the television equivalent of the Finer Things Club). I couldn’t even finish the episode, because it was all too much to bear. It began innocently enough, with a demo of some tasty-looking coconut cupcakes, and then devolved into my reason for pouring another, quite full, glass of wine. Without further ado (and because the theme for this month’s NaBloPoMo, which I am too chickenshit to actually participate in, is “letters”), here we go:
Look, I love you. I really do. So much so that I toted a “Free Martha!” poster all the way back to LA from DC for a friend after I acquired it at a rally I attended, and only reluctantly handed it over (you may know that unique college-apartment furnishings are hard to come by, especially for a gal on a budget). On the inaugural episode of your Cupcake Week, I was instantly riveted– it is a poorly-kept secret that I love cupcakes, and I was on board all the way. You kept me waiting breathlessly as I bleep-blooped through the commercials to see how you concocted an icing suitable for topping those beautiful white cupcakes, and you certainly didn’t disappoint (also, way not to give credit to Ina Garten for that recipe– she and Jeffrey are probably going to TP your Hamptons house now).
Then came the second segment, in which you examined the process by which Earnest Sewn jeans are made. No stranger to fashion magazines, I was familiar with the brand name, as well as the fact that I, an amply-assed lady, am no match for their skinny-thighed magnificence. When you sent your assistant (who I truly believe you do pay pretty well, well enough to buy her own Earnest Sewns) to get some custom-made jeans, I began to groan inwardly. Poor thing, she’s over six feet tall? Ok, I could see that being a problem, especially if she likes to wear heels when she goes out with boys and then minds that she towers over them. She played college basketball? Very impressive– also, a collegiate basketball career is the pathway to being your assistant? I had no idea. So, she had her $700, 38-inch inseamed, Japanese organic cotton jeans made, and they fit her like a glove. It was a thing of beauty. Where you really lost me, though, was the very first “model” in your Earnest Sewn fashion show (and I generally love a fashion show, especially at lunch). However, Martha, I have to give you a big, hearty, “What the FUCK?!” at your description of a girl who is maybe a size four as “curvy and voluptuous.”
I’m not sure what you are smoking, but a size four? Is in no way, ever, curvy. Sure, it might be something other than razor-sharp collarbones and concave tummies, but seriously? I sort of wanted to cut you. At least I’ll get to save money buying my jeans for less than $40 at Old Navy, rather than being burdened by a 38-inch inseam or a “curvy” size-four body that demands $200 jeans.
P.S. Since I know none of those curvy ladies so much as touched any of those cupcakes, would you mind sending me one? I’m sure you can afford it– MSLO is doing so well!
P.P.S. I’m still a little bummed that you stopped publishing Blueprint, but I appreciate the check you sent in lieu of extending my already-existing Martha Stewart Living subscription. Don’t worry, I’ll renew when the time comes.