Cold open: Eliot Spitzer, with his poor wife standing by his side. I can’t say anything about the situation that hasn’t already been said, so I will leave it at seriously, Eliot Spitzer? And, seriously, America? Are we surprised that a politician ended up being a hypocrite? Because certainly this cannot be the first time this has happened. “I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.” Probably not far off, or at least one can hope. The premise here is that he is going to become a private-practice lawyer who specializes in particularly “lurid, embarrassing sex scandals,” such as “gay bathhouse slip and fall,” “defective masturbation device,” “customs seizure of German porn,” “botched erotic asphyxiation,” “denial of reach-around,” or the worst-case scenario, the “dead hooker.” Nice open, and for the first time in the last four weeks, not a Barack and/or Hillary-related sketch.
Please, baby Jesus, don’t let Jonah Hill sing during his monologue… Look, I enjoyed Knocked Up (which I saw with a former boss, who was still my boss at the time…it was a fun and strange Friday night) and Super Bad, but not as much as I’m sure many others did, so I’m interested to see what Jonah Hill does within the confines of the show. I know that I express concern over the abilities of comedians to perform in this setting, but the truth is that I feel that many of the show’s best recent hosts have not been comedians. I do firmly believe that it’s a tougher milieu (and that I seem pretentious for using that word, but I assure you I’m doing so correctly) than film or regular television—there’s less time to prepare, less time to react, and you have to possess that sixth sense that allows you to refrain from cracking up or looking into the camera (I’m looking at you, Jimmy Fallon). Anyway. Jonah Hill looks a little stumpy in this getup…jeans, a black t-shirt, an open button-down, and…a suit jacket? Yeah, I don’t know, either. He is cute as he says that he’s so excited to be there, that it’s “literally the most amazing moment in [his] entire life,” which I’ll let slide because it seems genuine. He calls himself a fancy gentleman, and I feel a song coming on. As long as there is a top hat or cane involved, we might be all right. He does say the words “top hat,” but I don’t know how I feel about his “underpantsies.” There are four guys in tops and tails behind him, and the lyrics to the song are pretty hilarious. Well played, Jonah Hill.
MacGruber, a MacGyver takeoff that is hit-or-miss for me. I give this one an A-, mostly because of the wigs and the brevity.
Game show! What’s Your Situation, hosted by Lou Delhomme (JH). Apparently the show’s title comes from the follow-up question asked to every (female) contestant—“What’s your situation? Are you married, single, dating…?” The married contestant is sent packing, and the host is that creepy guy in the bar ordering you a Sex on the Beach when you really want a Jack and Ginger. I’m all for free alcohol, but seriously guys, let the ladies order. This sketch is pretty short, too, and I’m wondering if this will be indicative of the rest of the show—really quick pacing, but I sort of like it because it’s not belaboring any unfunny premises or jokes.
JH in glasses and a clenched fist that looks more ready to knock on a door rather than punch bring us back from commercial, to a Benihana! Which is really just an okay place to eat—the eye contact and shared seating are really off-putting for me, and the last time we went we were seated across from this couple that consisted of a douchebag on his cell phone talking about “cabbing it to San Fran” (ugh, kill me—never call it “San Fran,” or “Frisco,” for that matter) and his poor lady friend. Within Benihana we find a pair of guys and a pair of girls—JH is Bill Heder’s 6-year-old son, trying to get his dad some action and coming across like a sportscaster version of Woody Allen performing at a Catskills resort. Oop, is Jonah going to laugh in this one? Nah, he’s holding it together, and talking crazy loudly…much like an actual 6-year-old, with slightly better comic timing and many more nebbishy tendencies.
Aaand, another damned MacGruber. Boo.
OMG!!!1!!!!!@!@1 April 5th, Christopher Walken and Panic! At The Disco. Love, love, love! Does that mean two weeks off, though? Aw. Totally worth it, though.
Jonah and his so-classy-that-he-got-a-tattoo-of-it-on-his-finger mustache segue into The Suze Orman Show. Bear with me, folks, all I know of Suze Orman is that she is a former Oprah protégé (like Dr. Phil, and we know how well that’s going), and is sometimes on the Today show (from which, you will remember, I am taking a break). Rockin’ some animal prints and a sassy Midwestern accent, along with some weird vocal phrasing. The “Can I afford it?” segment begins, and I guess that we’re supposed to infer that she’s a lesbian…? Huh, ok. She tells a rich guy to go to Epcot rather than Europe, and…meh. Although I will certainly be trying to incorporate the phrase “full-tilt dumbass” into my daily lexicon, for sure.
SNL Digital Short! Andy Samberg is being measured for a ringmaster’s jacket when Jonah hill enters in a funny little hat (it’s not that funny, but he doesn’t have a “hat” head), inviting Andy Samberg to coffee. JH apparently met Andy’s family after the show “last week” (note to the observant: Andy’s dad is Jack Handey!), and has been seeing Andy’s dad since. They went to grab a beer, got to talking, and then made out, which is about as attractive as you think it might be. Andy is, understandably, “really not cool with this,” but Jonah believes it’s love. There is an implied fellatio at some point. Ben, the dad, enters and kisses cheeks and ruffles hair, and then Bill Hader enters, revealing that he and Andy’s dad have also been “f**king.” Thanks, Lorne Michaels…definitely the best digital short that’s been on in the last three weeks.
Mariah Carey. Bleep-bloop.
Weekend Update! Bwa-hah, the whistle blower was having his whistle blown! Nice. CA passed some new regulations for home schoolers, there are tons of drugs in water, and we get a Really!?! With Seth and Amy segment! Sweet. Probably at least as good as the Michael Vick one. Ugh, would Mitt Romney really run as McCain’s running mate? He seems so…sleazy. I know this seems incongruous, as he is a Mormon and all, but he seems so greasy and disingenuous. China was removed from a Department of State list of human rights abusers, giving me my very own Really!?! moment, and 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD, which I will choose to blame on abstinence-only sex education and limited safe-sex resources for teenagers. Am I right? Maybe. I know that there are other factors, such as earlier and earlier sexualization of kids and shifts in how families communicate and operate as units, but ultimately someone has to be teaching these kids what to do, and having sex as a teenage doesn’t have to mean anything but a deep sense of regret and some stories about speeding away from one’s boyfriend’s house, clutching one’s bra…not that I know anyone who had to do that or anything. Tracy Morgan comes to talk about Barack Obama being “reminded” that he’s black by Geraldine Ferraro, saying that we are a racist country, which I can’t say I disagree with. It’s not overt, and it’s not everywhere, but it’s there and it’s complicated and Tracy Morgan is much more coherent here than I expected him to be. “Bitch may be the new black, but black is the new president, bitch.” Love it.
Yay! A Target-lady sketch! So, this is only sort of a recurring character for Kristen Wiig, but it’s so bizarre that I love it. Almost as much as I love Target. Target lady has a strange temporary amnesia thing that erases her math skills, and is excited when a customer reminds her that she’s at Target. Kenan Thompson comes by and asks if he can pay for his items, to which she replies, “I don’t know—can you?” If I were a teacher, I would be doing this sort of thing endlessly. This is why it’s probably best that I am going to be a librarian: fewer opportunities to inflict proper grammar on the children. A cardboard cutout of Isaac Mizrahi appears, but only fleetingly, and Will Forte comes by to exchange some sweatpants for 99 cent (!) Nilla Wafers—after KW suggests he take the ill-fitting pants to a tailor. Pure gold, I tell you!
Will Forte is Brian Williams—who played Brian Williams last week? I could have sworn it was someone else. Oh well. We learn that John McCain is old. We know this! Seriously, is he not close to the age Bob Dole was when he ran for president? And everyone was flipping out about Dole’s age! Why the exception here? Not that this is a disqualifier, the fact that he’s old, but I would like some equal treatment. If we want some disqualifiers, I’ll…not be getting into that here or now. Mmm, Megan no likey.
Unrelated, but I feel that it is my duty to share it with the interwebs: a commercial for Old Navy reminded me of my quite-successful trip there yesterday, where I bought, among other things, a new pair of jeans (that is a size smaller than I’ve been wearing recently and reveals no butt-cleavage!), a new bathing suit (a tankini that I didn’t try on until I was home, due to unfortunate lighting conditions in dressing rooms), and this fabulous “bathing suit cover-up” that I will instead be taking many naps in—or at least that’s what happened Sunday afternoon on my couch. At any rate, get thee to Old Navy! At the very least, you’re getting some crazy-cheap tank tops, and god knows every girl needs about forty-seven of those.
Jonah Hill in a bolo tie is an old-timey record producer pimping out country singers…and proceeds to laugh a bit as he discusses the songs. This is pretty bad. Spaceships, toddlers, Model T cars, and jars of beer? Was this a Mad Lib? Do. Not. Want.
Mariah Carey. You know the drill.
Jonah Hill and what’s-her-name are on a date after “talking online for so long,” and right away I am on guard. You must know that GP and I met through the torrid world of the Craigslist personals, he the new guy in town who could spell and punctuate properly, and I the local gal who knew the limits of her nonexistent social circle. Most online dating is ridiculous, but I like to think that it just makes us extra-lucky…also, in his posting, he did mention that if things went well, I had to be willing to lie about how we met. And yet, here I am. Not lying at all. Jonah Hill loves the smell of burnt meat, and had claimed that he was a personal trainer, proving that either this girl was quite the idiot or he was quite the smooth talker/typist. Oh, and he drives a PT Cruiser, which has inspired a new version of the “Slug bug” game between me and GP. Totally fun to play—you have to try it!
Overall? Well-played, Jonah Hill. Let’s have some beers sometime.